


Behind Your Broadway Show

by ohmakemeahercules



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Therapy, killian learns to let his emotions out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 21:38:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12374631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmakemeahercules/pseuds/ohmakemeahercules
Summary: Deleted scenes between 6x07 and 6x08. Written for the Captain Swan Story Book Fall 2017 edition.An offshoot of a post 06x05 piece I wrote last fall called Walls So High (That No One Could Climb). Reading that piece is suggested by not required.After an emotional argument with Emma and witnessing Snow and Charming being cursed, Killian realizes the importance of rolling back the curtain.





	Behind Your Broadway Show

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea lurking around for several months. The Storybook motivated me to finish the piece. Season 6 severely lacked in paying attenion to Killian's feelings. It also proved timely in my personal journey. To find the accompanying artwork, the full storybook can be found at https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/view/59451187/complete-cssb

Killian groaned as he shut the hardcover book in front of him. He'd been researching at Storybrooke Library for hours and come up empty. Any information he found about sleeping curses didn't mention if an individual had a shared heart. _It hasn’t been that long, mate. You'll spend hundreds of years either saving or helping the woman you love._

_Three days had passed since the The Evil Queen cursed Snow White and Prince Charming. She had come up with a unique kind of cruelty this time: while physically in the same place, they couldn't experience each other's company simultaneously. Not easily swayed, the king and queen devised a plan. Snow stayed awake during the day, David at night. Killian admired the royal couple’s ability to improvise and communicate despite dire circumstances._

_Emma started working overtime to compensate for David’s absence. She tried to put on a brave face, but Killian knew better. Being the savior, Emma felt responsible for not protecting her parents and preventing this from happening. Never mind they were grown adults and had chosen to face The Evil Queen together. Regardless, he tried to help his Swan in every possible way._

_He turned towards the clock on the wall. 12:15 pm. Lunch hour had started and he didn't foresee any impending breakthroughs. Emma had slipped out the door after the briefest of goodbyes this morning. Maybe he would bring her lunch and the universe would allow them a quiet moment. A good significant other did things like this, right?_

_He stood from the chair, which caught Belle’s attention. “Taking a break, a Killian?”_  
“Yeah. No promising leads I'm afraid. Thinking about buying lunch at Granny’s and bringing it to Emma.”  
Belle smiled. “She'd like that.”  
“You think so?”  
“Yes. Love’s not always an epic journey. Honestly, the quiet moments are the best part.”  
“Knowing this town, the opportunity could be lost in an instant.”  
“All the more reason to seize it.”  
Killian nodded. “I'll be back later.” 

_The lunch hour rush was in full swing at Granny’s. One of the customers, Archie Hopper, quietly kept to himself. Between Killian and Emma’s argument about the shears and Snow and Charming’s curse, the importance of honesty and openness had hit home. Killian also realized he needed help getting to that place. Emma had benefited from the cricket’s help; maybe he could, too._  
“Hello Archie.”  
“Good afternoon. How are you?”  
“I've been better. Do you have any appointments open soon?“  
Archie raised his brow. “I… do, actually. Why?”  
“Recent events made me realize I can't hold things in any more. Because that leads to hurting those I love in the worst way. I'm tired of handling tough issues alone. But in order to do that, there's barriers I have to destroy first.”  
“I have an opening at 3, if you feel up to talking.”  
“I'd like that.”  
“Archie, your order is ready.” Ruby said from behind the counter.  
“I'll see you in a little while then, Killian.” He left with a sharp nod.  
His given name sounded foreign coming from someone other than Emma or the Charmings. For centuries, he considered Killian Jones long dead; Captain Hook was his only identity. Anyone who tried to penetrate his defenses did so at their own peril. Until Emma unearthed him from a pile of dead bodies and held a knife to his throat.  
“You're next, Blue Eyes.”  
“Ruby, I haven't ordered yet!”  
“You rarely come in here without the Savior, which leads me to believe you're ordering to go?”  
“Correct.”  
“She always gets the same thing anyway and it isn't hard to make. Would you like one, too?”  
“Hamburger and onion rings is fine.”  
“Coming right up!” 

_How bizarre someone I barely talk to has figured my routine. The only thing more inevitable than villains frequently invading the town was the gossip dispersal rate. After Killian and Emma had kissed outside Granny’s the first time, practically everyone was whispering behind their backs about their dating habits. While he was willing to pull the curtain back somewhat, certain aspects deserved privacy._

_The sheriff growled at her computer as he walked into the station lobby. “God, why can't you just work with me?”_  
Killian didn't quite understand Emma’s tendency to yell at inanimate objects when they didn't work. It wasn't a living being, how could she expect it to answer her in a satisfactory manner? “Hello, darling. The magic computer box giving you trouble?”  
She turned from her computer. “Killian! Yeah, it's being stupid. Not opening files properly.” She paused. “What are you doing here?”  
He set the bags down on her desk. “Bringing my lass lunch. What does it look like?”  
“It's a nice surprise, that's all. I'm not used to those, especially around here.”  
“Not to worry, there’s plenty more where that came from,” he quipped with a teasing smile.  
“Ugh, why are you so perfect?” She grabbed the lapels of his jacket, one of her signature moves.  
“On the contrary, far from it, darling.”  
Emma smushed her lips against his in response. They immersed themselves in the encounter. He'd always been attracted to the jacket grab, even in Neverland. It meant she wanted him the closest he could possibly get. You’re perfect to me, her body language replied. Thein their foreheads leaned on each other, exchanging loving gazes with one another. 

_“Did you find anything in the library?” Emma asked after a few minutes of blissful silence._  
“No, sadly. Books referred you to other books which then referred back to the one I just read.”  
Emma’s face fell in disappointment.  
Killian gripped her hand. “Don't worry, Emma. We’ll find a way out of this. We always do.”  
“If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a Charming.” She said wryly.  
He shrugged. “Spend enough time with certain people and they rub off on you. I told Dave in Neverland the one thing I’d learned from the hero types is there’s always hope.”  
“Probably not in that tone, though.”  
“Believe me, it was much more antagonistic. He’d just said I was nothing but a pirate. Put quite a damper on my budding self confidence.”  
Emma rolled her eyes as she picked up the bags. “Please. Your ego was could have rivaled Narcissus himself.”  
“Maybe Captain Hook’s. Killian Jones is another story.”  
“Touche, babe. Let’s sit over here, have to get away from my desk. “ She motioned to a desk she’d once occupied as deputy while serving as deputy under Graham.  
“Color me impressed though, Swan. Have you been brushing up on your classic literature?”  
“Yeah, by the way of Disney cartoons. In the movie, Megara calls Hercules her wonderboy because he seems too good to be true. I feel that way about you. Sometimes I just look at you and can’t believe you exist. It blows my mind.”  
“The feeling is mutual, my beautiful love.” He kissed her forehead. “Shall we?”  
“Yes.” 

_Pleasant silence fell on the couple as they ate their lunch. _When was the last time we had a quiet meal like this? Just the two of us._ The last he could think of was the six weeks of peace they’d had before Ursula, Cruella and Maleficent arrived in town. That seemed like a lifetime ago. Nonetheless he enjoyed the temporary stillness. _

_“This is weird.”_  
“In a good or bad way?”  
“Good. Just different. We’ve been on the run for so long. I kind of got used to the state of chaos. Is this what courting couples do?”  
Emma smirked. “Yes, minus the courting part.”  
“Why not? What's so bad about being in a romantic relationship?”  
“Courting isn't en vogue here. Mostly hardcore conservative types do it. Your parents choose your partner, dates have to be supervised by said parents. Every decision as a couple has to be approved by the woman’s father.”  
“It sounds like the woman doesn't get much say in this process.”  
“She doesn't. A foster family had their oldest daughter in a courtship while I was there. Poor girl was miserable. She didn't want to be near him, let alone marry him.”  
“You could've said the same about me when we first met.”  
“I wouldn't go that far. Anyway, he was a grade A asshole. If she ever protested his actions, both he and her father beat her.”  
Killian scoffed. “Wretched vermin. They deserve to die an excruciating death. Please tell me you weren't there long.”  
“2 months. And I was a kid, so they couldn't force me into one. Also, you can't kiss until the wedding day.”  
“WHAT?” The exasperation on Killian’s face amused Emma. “I can understand making love because some don't feel comfortable with such activities until betrothal. But no kissing? What if the bloke is bloody awful and you can't get out of the contract?”  
“Exactly. So now you know why I don't care for that label.”  
“Understood, love. I like what we have better.”  
“I wouldn't have it any other way.” She kissed his cheek.  
Color flushed Killian’s cheeks. Some days he couldn't believe his good fortune; this woman openly loved a rotten scoundrel like him. If only he could accept and forgive himself the same way. Today’s session with Archie would be the first step. 

_(A few hours hours later)_

_Archie tapped his pen on his clipboard. “What brings you here, Killian?”_  
Killian folded his hands in his lap. “Emma and I had a bit of a row the other night. She's been incredibly on edge for weeks. It caused tremors in her hands. I'd ask if anything was wrong. She'd say no. I let it go because pushing Emma doesn't get you anywhere.”  
“It certainly doesn't. “  
“Then The Evil Queen posed as you and got her to talk about her visions. Okay, my beloved has dreamt of her death and didn't think to tell me. When she does, it's front of her entire family, not privately. Finally she showed us these shears that could free her from her Savior duties and save her life should she be in danger. She didn't want to use them. Everyone else went along.”  
“But you didn't.  
“Why should I? It felt like she was asking us to let her die. I've shoved down secret after secret and tell myself it didn't hurt. But my emotions had reached a boiling point. I lashed out.”  
“What did you say?”  
“I told her it hurt me and I felt like she was keeping me at an arm’s length. I thought we’d gotten past that point. I’d given up my only home, died three bloody times, taken a beating from the god of the Underworld. All for her. Yet she still withheld things from me.”  
Archie nodded, encouraging him to go on.  
“That angered her. She said everything she did was to protect us and our future. She couldn't bear to watch another loved one die. Which I get. She hasn't had stability or support most of her life.”  
“Doesn't mean you're immune to how her actions impact you. You're allowed to hurt.”  
“No, I'm not.”  
“You think your feelings don't matter.”  
Killian snorted. “Well, they didn't for the longest time. Father abandoned Liam and I then sold us into servitude. You did as you were told or suffered dearly. Liam didn't listen to my protests about the nightshade then died.” He sighed. “I could go down the list all day.”  
“Emma turning you into a Dark One?”  
Killian curled his bottom lip. “Yes. I reckon she's told you about it?”  
“Not in great detail, but yes.”  
“Of course, no one can keep a secret in this bloody town,” the patient grumbled.  
“Killian, listen. This room is a safe space. I'm not Grumpy. I won't blab your business in the town square. You’re not the only one who’s trying to make amends for their painful past.”  
“How so?”  
“I once made a deal with the Dark One that resulted in Geppetto's parents’ demise. The Blue Fairy offered to turn me into his cricket companion. Even though it was many years ago, I still think about it frequently.”  
Killian blinked rapidly in surprise. “I never would have guessed.”  
Archie hummed. “Oh, but people don't always display their true colors on the surface. You have to dive deeper.”  
“Point taken.”  
“My parents were con artists so I was desperate to leave a toxic situation. Rumple took advantage of that desperation. He gave me a potion that turns the drinker irreversibly into a wooden puppet. I poured drinks for all four in the kitchen where I thought my parents couldn't see me. Unfortunately they caught on and switched the cups. I didn't realize it until it was too late.”  
“It's wasn't your fault. You didn't know your parents would do that.” Killian said.  
Archie shook his head. “I shouldn't have had it in the first place.”  
“You fought back against mistreatment. Even though it was all you knew, you still protested. When I became a pirate, I was so angry at the corrupt system that enslaved me then stole away my brother. I wanted to hurt them like I had been  
hurt.”  
“I understand why you felt that way. Some humans have a capacity to feel emotions more deeply than others. Doesn't make them weak. In fact, it can be a gift. One that provides great love but even greater loss.”  
“Do you suppose that's why I spent so long searching for revenge?”  
“Absolutely. Your devotion to her fueled your anger at the Dark One for stealing both your and her happiness.”  
“Our communication was seamless by the end. We just knew everything about each other’s idiosyncrasies. She was my second in command on the the Jolly Roger.”  
“Part of that comes with time. You spend every day figuring out life together. You learn how someone deals with a certain situation and adapt based on that information. However, no two relationships are exactly alike just as no two people are. Both are allowed a space in your heart.”  
“I do love them both. Emma was faced with something Milah never had to.”  
“What's that?”  
Killian held up his hooked hand. “I wasn't the darkest version of myself. Emma doesn't bat an eye at the mangled wrist or the atrocities I've committed. I've murdered innocents. Stolen irreplaceable moments from families. For GOD’S SAKE I murdered my own father! Yet, at lunch today, she looked at me with adoration of a woman in love. I don't DESERVE IT!” He cried.  
Archie sat back for a second, processing his patient’s words. “You didn't kill him for sport. It came from a place of resentment. Does it excuse what happened? No. But it explains why. Since then, you've atoned for a multitude of sins, including reuniting your brother with his surrogate father.” 

_Killian shuddered, overcome with the sudden upsurge in emotional turmoil. “It’s my fault he was without a father in the first place. I robbed them of that second chance.”_  
“He still got a second chance through Nemo. You’ll torture yourself with these what if scenarios.”  
A flood of tears spilled out of Killian’s eyes. Years of unspoken anguish revealed itself in that moment. He wept, incapable of words. Meanwhile, Archie located some tissues on his desk and brought them back to the couch. Once Killian had regained some bearings, Archie offered one to him.  
“Thank you. Sorry about that, cricket.”  
“No apology necessary.”  
Killian blew his nose through the tissue. “How do you forgive yourself?”  
“It’s a process. No one’s journey is the same. Ultimately, it's letting go of the notion that you deserve punishment for your misdeeds. It doesn't mean you agree with your actions; you're only relieving yourself of the burden created by your self loathing and guilt tripping.”  
“That's the predicament, Archie. I don't believe I'm worthy.”  
“We’ll work on that. You're not the same man who held me captive on your ship.”  
Killian sighed as he pictured the man beside him tied down and helpless in the bowels of the Jolly Roger. “You've forgiven me.”  
“Does that surprise you? We wouldn't be having this conversation if I hadn't.”  
“Again, I don't think I deserve it.” 

_It surprised Killian how much lighter his heart felt as he left Archie’s office. He'd gotten used to the weight of grief, anger,and sorrow; even resigning to its lifelong companionship. Surprisingly, he liked unpacking the baggage with an impartial third party. The therapist could teach him how to prevent emotions from boiling over. Today was the first step in that process._

__I have to tell Emma._ The thought stopped him in his tracks. He actually wanted to tell Emma about his development. Previously, he'd retreat in his cave of self hatred from the past occurrence. This is what you're supposed to do, mate. Share both your struggles and your victories. _

_He walked in the door around 6 pm. Emma was already in the kitchen, heating up a frozen meal in the microwave. A scene so mundane, yet extraordinary at the same time. He greets her with a kiss._  
“I saw the cricket this afternoon.” He said in the aftermath.  
Emma arched her brow. “Archie?”  
“He was picking up his lunch at the same time. I asked if he had upcoming openings; he said a cancellation at 3. So, I went.”  
“What prompted this?”  
“After our row the other night, I realized the only way we’ll succeed long term is communicating with each other. We both can do better.”  
Emma nodded. “I agree. You once told me we make quite the team. Any time we do anything together, it turns out ten times better than alone. Let's get back to that.”  
Killian smiled sadly at the memory. “I'd like nothing more.”  
“What did you guys talk about?”  
“I told him why I was angry about the shears ordeal. Which lead to why I don’t speak up when I should. All my life I’ve felt like my feelings never mattered. Someone else always owned them in some way. So, part of my pirating shenanigans was my rebellion. Like, you can’t control me anymore! Then when you turned me into a Dark One, I felt like I was back to square one. Even though it was motivated by love,it still hurt because I trusted you to be different. And for a moment, you weren’t.”  
Emma nodded, silently taking in his words.  
Shit, I’ve hurt her feelings. No, this conversation is necessary. You need to tell her when something hurts you.  
“Again, I am terribly sorry, Killian. You didn’t deserve to be disregarded and taken for granted like that.”  
“Notice I said ‘for a moment.’ I forgive you, Emma. I understand why you did it. But I also need a space to release my emotions.”  
Emma placed her hand on his chest. “This is the place to do it. Thank you for sharing this with me. We will make sure it never happens again.”  
He grasped her hand with his. “Indeed, we will my love.” He kissed her forehead. “I didn’t realize how much hurt I’d been holding on to.”  
“Do you feel better?”  
Killian nodded. “I do, actually. I’d forgotten what it was like to not have the weight of anger and grief chained to my soul. I’d like to continue.”  
Emma smiled as tears filled her eyes. “I’m really proud of you, Killian. This is a huge step to take.”  
His eyes widened. “You are? Truly?”  
“In this realm, men aren’t supposed to show vulnerability. People say things like “Man up!” or “Take it like a man!” Crying especially is seen as weak or feminine.”  
“Slavery taught me that in spades. If you cried when they whipped you as punishment, the master simply beat you harder. From a young age, I’ve associated outward distress as an undesirable notion. I cried at the appointment.”  
Emma frowned, stroking his hair. “I’m sorry, babe.”  
“No need. I’m simply not the… what did you call it? Bad ass pirate anymore.”  
“Hey. You can cry and still be a bad ass. Vulnerability is a good thing.”  
“Keep up an act was terribly exhausting, anyway.” 


End file.
